It has been over 18 months since the loss of zara. I now have a little strength in me to talk about her without breaking down. Yes, I still cry when I look at the beautiful items I already got for her. I’m only writing this story because I feel I need to let it out and also to create awareness for mums like me, who have lost a child.
I didn’t start trying for another baby until my first child was 4 yrs old and it didn’t happen until a year and 2 months later. I was ecstatic, joyous and over the moon. I called my husband immediately I received the news and he was overjoyed. We both decided not to tell anyone about it until I was in my 2nd trimester but trust we women now…lol… especially when it’s something everyone has been looking forward to. So, I secretly called my mum, my only sister and my mum-in-law and told them with strict warning not to mention it to anyone as my husband had instructed.
I must tell you it felt like a first time pregnancy for me, as my first trimester was no stroll in the park. I started wondering if it was because it’s been over 5 years since I last went on this journey. I was absolutely very careful like a first time mum, adhering to every rule and google became my best friend. When on break at work, I am either eating fruits, drinking water or “googling” preggy do’s and don’ts …lol.
I started feeling a lot better in the second month of my 2nd trimester (I think around my 20th/21st week… not very sure) . So I went for my first scan hoping to see if I can get the sex of the baby (I really wanted a girl), I opted for the 3D Scan and voila! the sonographer was able to get the sex… A girl!. My Sister!, I was over the moon, I was already thinking of baby clothes, shoes, hair bands. I didn’t wait to get home before “googling” baby girl fashion and styles ( I was ready to spend it all to make her look good). I called my husband and told him Somto is getting Zara (because we already picked out names ….. don’t mind us abeg )
Then things took an unbelievable direction and my world was filled with fear,sadness,worry and tears . I woke up one morning feeling tired and heavy. I told my husband that I didn’t feel up to work and he advised that I called in sick which I did. I was feeling uneasy and started having this crazy abdominal pain. I called a friend to drive me straight to the hospital after about an hour of trying to sleep it off. The hospital wasn’t too far from the house but before I got there , I was already bleeding with an unbearable pain. the doctor asked if I had been stressing myself lately and I just screamed “NO”. Then, I was stabilised , the pain and the bleeding stopped and it was time to check Zara’s heartbeat….. that was when I started panicking… there was no heartbeat.
The doctor called my husband out and whispered somethings to him, I wanted to hear it all. I gathered all the strength in me, stood up and shouted ” If there’s anything wrong … I beg you please, don’t hide it from me…. what is wrong with my baby?” . My husband and the doctor came back and told me the unbelievable (still finding it hard to believe) . I was shocked, speechless and numb that I didn’t know when my mum came in. I begged them to check every hour… I begged God to turn this mystery around and prove the doctors wrong but God knows best .
The baby was evacuated and it was time to go home…. to go home to the items I already bought for Zara. Why and how is still a puzzle to me but I know the God I serve, he is an amazing God and you can’t question Him.
I wanted to share my story so that other mums who go through something similar know that they are not alone and God remains the same God…. He knows best. Yes, my entire world did stop for a while and yes,i still think about her every single day!. I was depressed and sad for the longest part, but I have been trying for another baby again and that is a good sign that I am not ready to give up, so mums who have been here, don’t give up!
Somto’s mama from Bradford